It's been brought to my attention that I am a lousy father. I am inconsistent, unsafe, a non-provider, and I make terrible parental choices. I guess I know what I need to work on.
UPDATE:
So, the above post was said to me by the mother of my child. It hurt. Tremendously. Upon further review, I am a flawed human but I care about my daughter. God has blessed me tremendously since coming to Ohio. I've been blessed with a great job that has a 401k, health insurance, a company car, a company phone, and a boss who mentors me. I made 7k more this year than last year. Yesterday, I bought a car. By all accounts I have things to feel good about. I know things have been slow to progress, but they have. God has me on the move. I willing to go along for the ride. He always takes the best routes.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
papahood
When I was younger I wanted to be a Pediatrician. I really didn't know why. I guess I wanted to be a doctor and I loved children so I assumed a Pediatrician was the best choice. As I grew older, I realized that I did well at school, but I did not want to spend a better portion of my life in school in order to become a doctor. I soon lost what I wanted to be in life. One thing that stood firm is the desire to have a family. I wanted to be a father.
About 4 years ago, I met a young lady and fell in love. We both came from troubled pasts and we definitely brought that into the relationship. We didn't always make the best decisions, but we loved each other and no one could tell us not to be together. We ended up getting pregnant. She freaked and I was overjoyed. We were living in Nashville at the time and she decided that she wanted to move back to Ohio to be closer to her mom. I reluctantly agreed to go with her because I wasn't about to miss out on being a family. We made the move and began to start building a life here. The pregnancy was rough. We fought with each other, she fought with her mother, and we fought with ourselves.
About 20 weeks into the pregnancy it's normal for you find out the sex of your child. We had the belief in our head that we were having a boy, but we were pleasantly surprised to find out we were having a little girl. We didn't have a name for girl. We had settled on Noah for a boy, but the only names we thought about for a girl were Olivia and Emma. We thought long and hard about it and came up with the name Grace. Grace Noel to be exact. It was fitting. We had not been ready to be parents and we are horribly flawed, but we were going to bring a blessing into this world. I was going to have a second princess to look after. I was under prepared in a lot of ways, but in my heart I was so ready.
One of my favorite things is having a girl lay her head on my chest and sleep. As the pregnancy grew closer and closer to the due date, I began to anticipate this more and more. I imagined spending Saturday mornings on the couch and watching tv while Gracie slept on my chest. I could not wait. Gracie couldn't either. About three weeks before Gracie was due, Kristie was admitted into the hospital with preeclampsia. We were informed that since she was 37 weeks along they were going to induce Kristie and we were having a baby sooner than we thought. We started the induction on a Thursday night and Gracie was born a short three days later on July 4th at 5:13pm. She weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 20inches in length. My little princess was here and I did not waste time on having her sleep on my chest.
Gracie is 18 months old now and she is an overwhelmingly beautiful little girl who has daddy completely wrapped around her little fingers. She's prettier than I dreamed, smarter than I imagined, and just as willful as I feared. I am in love with being a Father and I welcome all the challenges that come along with it. I am far from perfect, but I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice that it doesn't matter one bit to her. I am going to enjoy spending the rest of my life getting to know her and watching her grow and hopefully start a family of her own. I'm not ready to start this process over again with another little one, but it is for sure something that I want to do again.
About 4 years ago, I met a young lady and fell in love. We both came from troubled pasts and we definitely brought that into the relationship. We didn't always make the best decisions, but we loved each other and no one could tell us not to be together. We ended up getting pregnant. She freaked and I was overjoyed. We were living in Nashville at the time and she decided that she wanted to move back to Ohio to be closer to her mom. I reluctantly agreed to go with her because I wasn't about to miss out on being a family. We made the move and began to start building a life here. The pregnancy was rough. We fought with each other, she fought with her mother, and we fought with ourselves.
About 20 weeks into the pregnancy it's normal for you find out the sex of your child. We had the belief in our head that we were having a boy, but we were pleasantly surprised to find out we were having a little girl. We didn't have a name for girl. We had settled on Noah for a boy, but the only names we thought about for a girl were Olivia and Emma. We thought long and hard about it and came up with the name Grace. Grace Noel to be exact. It was fitting. We had not been ready to be parents and we are horribly flawed, but we were going to bring a blessing into this world. I was going to have a second princess to look after. I was under prepared in a lot of ways, but in my heart I was so ready.
One of my favorite things is having a girl lay her head on my chest and sleep. As the pregnancy grew closer and closer to the due date, I began to anticipate this more and more. I imagined spending Saturday mornings on the couch and watching tv while Gracie slept on my chest. I could not wait. Gracie couldn't either. About three weeks before Gracie was due, Kristie was admitted into the hospital with preeclampsia. We were informed that since she was 37 weeks along they were going to induce Kristie and we were having a baby sooner than we thought. We started the induction on a Thursday night and Gracie was born a short three days later on July 4th at 5:13pm. She weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 20inches in length. My little princess was here and I did not waste time on having her sleep on my chest.
Gracie is 18 months old now and she is an overwhelmingly beautiful little girl who has daddy completely wrapped around her little fingers. She's prettier than I dreamed, smarter than I imagined, and just as willful as I feared. I am in love with being a Father and I welcome all the challenges that come along with it. I am far from perfect, but I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice that it doesn't matter one bit to her. I am going to enjoy spending the rest of my life getting to know her and watching her grow and hopefully start a family of her own. I'm not ready to start this process over again with another little one, but it is for sure something that I want to do again.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Huge Plus....
Today is day 13. Sorry, I do not have my book to say what today's dare is, but it has to do with fair fighting.
I have not seen my daughter in three weeks. I mean I've seen her but I have not gotten to hold or kiss her. Today was the end of that. I had to wait till after church, but it was well worth it. The instant Kristie handed her to me it was just like we never left each other. She looked at me with a lowered head and a bit of sadness, but it lasted all of 10 seconds. I asked for a hug and we spent a few minutes just hugging each other. She placed her head on my shoulder and I felt so much better. Then I asked for a kiss and she gave me one and then she rubbed noses and she laughed! I love her so much and I missed those interactions. We went to a birthday party with some friends from church and had a blast. The time was too short. I could have done with several more hours. It;s just so strange to me. Kristie had been talking to me and been in a more approachable mood, but today it was like fear had a death grip on her. She took Gracie and it was almost like she was shielding her from me. I guess it hurts so much because I love my daughter so much. For someone to be that afraid of me hurting her hurts worse than not being able to see her. I mean I fell like a horrible person when Kristie demands that I cannot be alone with Gracie at all. I've been really good about taking this in stride, but I would be lying if I didn't say I am not comfortable with it. Tomorrow will be a new day and with God's help I will survive. Patiently waiting until Wednesday night and Thursday when I can spend time with her again. I am grateful that the people supervising are my friends because I still feel like I can be a father. It could be worse. Keep praying for us! Have a Blessed day!
I have not seen my daughter in three weeks. I mean I've seen her but I have not gotten to hold or kiss her. Today was the end of that. I had to wait till after church, but it was well worth it. The instant Kristie handed her to me it was just like we never left each other. She looked at me with a lowered head and a bit of sadness, but it lasted all of 10 seconds. I asked for a hug and we spent a few minutes just hugging each other. She placed her head on my shoulder and I felt so much better. Then I asked for a kiss and she gave me one and then she rubbed noses and she laughed! I love her so much and I missed those interactions. We went to a birthday party with some friends from church and had a blast. The time was too short. I could have done with several more hours. It;s just so strange to me. Kristie had been talking to me and been in a more approachable mood, but today it was like fear had a death grip on her. She took Gracie and it was almost like she was shielding her from me. I guess it hurts so much because I love my daughter so much. For someone to be that afraid of me hurting her hurts worse than not being able to see her. I mean I fell like a horrible person when Kristie demands that I cannot be alone with Gracie at all. I've been really good about taking this in stride, but I would be lying if I didn't say I am not comfortable with it. Tomorrow will be a new day and with God's help I will survive. Patiently waiting until Wednesday night and Thursday when I can spend time with her again. I am grateful that the people supervising are my friends because I still feel like I can be a father. It could be worse. Keep praying for us! Have a Blessed day!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Feeling Good....
Day 10 already? Some of these dares are hard to do when communication is limited. I am looking forward to the the dares that are more focused on what I can do for me. Today's dare is
I love this book. I want to finish it. I am wondering if now is the right time. If I stop, will I pick it back up again in a few months? I guess I should just pray about it.
I feel good about myself. I know it's only going to get better. I have not given up on this relationship. I just have to give God the time to repair the damage. This is stinking hard. Please keep me in your prayers:)
DO SOMETHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY TODAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE--SOMETIMES THAT PROVES(TO THEM AND TO THEM)THAT YOUR LOVE IS BASED ON YOUR CHOICE AND NOTHING ELSE. WASH HER CAR. CLEAN THE KITCHEN. BUY HIS FAVORITE DESSERT. FOLD THE LAUNDRY. DEMONSTRATE LOVE TO THEM FOR THE SHEER JOY OF BEING THEIR PARTNER IN MARRAIGE.
I love this book. I want to finish it. I am wondering if now is the right time. If I stop, will I pick it back up again in a few months? I guess I should just pray about it.
I feel good about myself. I know it's only going to get better. I have not given up on this relationship. I just have to give God the time to repair the damage. This is stinking hard. Please keep me in your prayers:)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Humpday!
Yesterday, I was supposed to burn the list of negative things and congratulate her on a recent achievement. I burned the negatives and I thanked her for being a good mother to our daughter. Even with her request for me to not communicate with her unless it is about Gracie, an opportunity arose for me to fulfill the dare. She texted me late last night and asked me to call her about Gracie. I called and we ended up talking for 2:45. How crazy is that. God works in mysterious ways sometimes and also girls are weird. We did talk about Gracie for a lot of that time, but some of it was for her benefit. She's still upset and has her guard up, but that's fine. It'll work out in time.
Today's Dare:
Keep Praying!
Today's Dare:
THINK OF A SPECIFIC WAY YOU'D LIKE TO GREET YOUR SPOUSE TODAY. DO IT WITH A SMILE AND WITH ENTHUSIASM. THEN DETERMINE TO CHANGE YOUR GREETING TO REFLECT YOUR LOVE FOR THEM.
Keep Praying!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday
Sorry, I had to leave quickly last night before I got all my thoughts out. Day 7. I still have to write out the two lists. Yesterday, Kristie and I met with our pastor to try and figure out when I can see Gracie. It went better than expected and I believe that the courts will not be involved. I am hopeful that in a few weeks things will be closer to normal with me getting quality time with my daughter. Kristie also informed me that she did not want me to contact her unless it was about scheduling time to see Gracie. That makes completing this Love Dare difficult. It was suggested by a friend that I keep doing it because it will be beneficial to me and whoever I end up with. Another friend suggested that I do it on Gracie. I thought that was a super cool idea and I am going to do it for both of them. This should be fun!
Day 8.
Day 8.
DETERMINE TO BECOME YOUR SPOUSES'S BIGGEST FAN AND TO REJECT ANY THOUGHTS OF JEALOUSY. TO HELP YOU SET YOUR HEART ON YOUR SPOUSE AND FOCUS ON THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS, TAKE YESTERDAY'S LIST OF NEGATIVE ATTRIBUTES AND DISCREETLY BURN IT. THEN SHARE WITH YOUR SPOUSE HOW GLAD YOU ARE ABOUT A SUCCESS HE OR SHE RECENTLY ENJOYED.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sorry for the delay
So I have to catch you up on what happened with Day 5, 6, and now 7
Day 5 I emailed her and asked her what are three things I could do to change. She didn't respond, but today she gave me a 7 page letter describing all the wrongs I have done and how they made her feel. I can't really argue with any of them because they all happened. More on this later.
Day 6
Day 7
Day 5 I emailed her and asked her what are three things I could do to change. She didn't respond, but today she gave me a 7 page letter describing all the wrongs I have done and how they made her feel. I can't really argue with any of them because they all happened. More on this later.
Day 6
CHOOSE TODAY TO REACT TO TOUGH CIRCUMSTANCES IN YOUR MARRIAGE IN LOVING WAYS INSTEAD OF WITH IRRITATION. BEGIN BY MAKING A LIST BELOW OF AREAS WHERE YOU NEED TO ADD MARGIN TO YOUR SCHEDULE. THEN LIST ANY WRONG MOTIVATIONS THAT YOU NEED TO RELEASE FROM YOUR LIFEThis one was kind of difficult because she didn't come to church. I guess it was easy to act lovingly.
Day 7
FOR TODAY'S DARE, GET TWO SHEETS OF PAPER. ON THE FIRST ONE, SPEND A FEW MINUTES WRITING OUT POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE. THEN DO THE SAME WITH NEGATIVE THINGS ON THE SECOND SHEET. PLACE BOTH SHEETS IN A SECRET PLACE FOR ANOTHER DAY. THERE IS A DIFFERENT PURPOSE AND PLAN FOR EACH. AT SOME POINT DURING THE REMAINDER OF THE DAY, PICK A POSITIVE ATTRIBUTE FROM THE FIRST LIST AND THANK YOUR SPOUSE FOR HAVING THIS CHARACTERISTICI just ran out of time...More Tomorrow!
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